Moving to the country, I am going to eat a lot of…

Peaches come from a can they were put there by a man

In a factory downtown.

If I had my little way I’d eat peaches everyday.

Sun soakin’ bulges in the shade.
I’ve often thought about relocating from my current residence in the fine state of Florida to somewhere more rural.

“You don’t have to leave Florida to be more rural.”

True, but I often think more rural with four actual seasons instead of one. Florida is pretty much one season, hot and wet. Sure we get a few days of winter, but then its back to the same heat. A fall or spring would be nice.

I also find myself tired of most of the inhabitants of the state. Florida is for the most part the melting pot of ignorance and intolerance. There are few true Floridians or “crackers” as they have been known to be called. Most Floridians are from somewhere else. Particularly New Jersey or New York. Hell I am one of them.

Between career and military service I have pretty much traveled all over the world. I am not ready to renounce my citizenship and abandon my country yet. Although I do keep a short list of non-extraditable countries in the back of my head, should the need arise.

So I find myself thinking about relocation within the forty-eight contiguous states and it always seem to come back to one thing. Women.

You see throughout my life’s travels I have pretty much graded all the geographic locations I have visited by the types and my perceived notion of the quality of women that lived in each area.

Yes I know its silly. Yes I know its ridiculous. Yes I know truly there is no way to judge a geographical location to live based on what I think about at best a half dozen women in those locations. At my age, I don’t have much time for reasonable and this is women I am talking about. Really? Reasonable? Women? Me?

So yeah, my short list of more rural places to live or not so rural but with USDA Grade A Prime women, to move to and live in:

Spartanburg, South Carolina. A few years ago I flew into Spartanburg, SC. to vet out and train with a software developer located there. Between the companies offices, the downtown area and pretty much every single woman I laid my eyes on in a seventy-two hour time frame, I did not see one unattractive woman. Not one. Manners, general attitude, pleasant dispositions you name it. It was like God himself on a whim blasted out a perfect place in the universe where all the women, were beautiful, pleasant, and sane. In fact the software was for drug store and pharmacy management, and we visited a drug store in town where the software was installed to see it in action.While in the drug store, I didn’t even see tampons for sale. God made the women of Spartanburg, SC so freaking perfect they don’t even have periods. I swear I could hear angles singing while walking down the streets.

Next location. Dallas, Texas. Same thing, flew to Dallas a few times to deal with clients while working in the telecom business. Now granted I am not naive enough to think all the women of Dallas are visions of perfection as is Spartanburg, SC. Everything is bigger in Texas. Particularly tits. Now I am not a tit man. I mean they’re nice and I’ll play “the front nine” with a style and ease to…Dance Dance Dance the night Away….sorry small Van Halen hijack. Yeah, not a big tit guy, but the women of Dallas, like the women of Spartanburg, are exceptionally polite, classy, down home-ish, and being Texan gun toting, ass kicking, freedom loving and god fearing conservatives which is right in my wheel house.

Indianapolis, Indiana. Now Indiana is a special exception. I have never been to Indiana. I have a bunch of friends there. The best sex I ever had was with a woman from Indiana. Lastly Indiana has the Indianapolis 500. Like Bunny said in Platoon, “there ain’t nothing better then the Indy 500, ‘cept maybe a piece of pussy.” I have been invited many times to visit Indiana. Hell some friends have invited me to the 500. There has always been some plans or reasons I could not accept the offers. Frankly I think its gods will I never go, because in my rather twisted mind, I imagine all the women are as good in bed as my previous Indiana love affair. Add that to the Indy 500 and I’ll be a fucking Hoosier in a month.

Chicago, Illinois. Been a few times. Nice city, lots to do, still kind of midwest. Cute girls. Lots of Pollocks, and lunatic Democrats. Short enough distance to ride Harley to Sturgis, SD every August. Still though, taxes and Democrats.

Alas, most all my friends and family are here in Florida. Most of my friends go back to the first grade or there about in elementary school. My mother and father are still alive and married. We still talk an get along well. Same with brothers. I may be eternally single, always looking for that “one” but if I am judged by the friends and family I have, both near and far, then I am more then one lucky son of a bitch. I’m doing pretty good in life all things considered. Think I’ll stay put around here, a little longer.

Doesn’t mean I wont be visiting Indiana soon, and trying to screw every woman this silver tongued liar can get into bed. Who am I kidding? I’ll settle for the 500 in the month of May one of these years, and cherish the memories of that one particular Hoosier woman a little longer.

Home sweet Florida home.

What happened?

Keep your eyes on the road, your hands up on the wheel.

We’er going to the roadhouse we’re going to have a real….good time.

Does anyone else not give a crap about the summer olympics? What was that abortion of an opening ceremony about, and how did it have anything to do with the olympic games and the world wide competition of everything sports? These observations not withstanding, trying to watch the olympics on NBC is as futile an exercise as trying to perform an appendectomy on yourself. Nothing is live on NBC. What’s the point? Ellen and Rachel Ray trump the olympics?

This semi rant kind of brings me to the point of this post. What the hell happened to industry in this country?

In a time when we live with instantaneous access to information at our fingertips how in the hell do corporations not know whom their customers are and what they want? Lets look at some things that have failed or are currently circling the drain.

Newspapers. That whole internet fad, came back to bite them in the ass didn’t it? Who actually buys a newspaper that is below the age of seventy five years old? The writing and reporting in newspapers has always sucked balls with a bias slant this way or that way. The issue was it was ok to have shit writing and reporting where else were you going to go? We were stuck. That is until the internet. Now I can read a newspaper or magazine from any city in the world and if the content writing or reporting sucked I could jump ship to another publication in three clicks of the mouse. This didn’t kill the newspapers, what killed the newspapers is the fundamental lack of foresight and leadership. The newspapers for more then a hundred years only knew how to make money one way. Selling advertising within the publication. When the world wide web came along, non of the management gave a serious thought of how to transition to online advertising or how to effectively make money by selling it.

Same thing is happening with TV. Cable and satellite providers better wake up. Netflix, Amazon, Apple, Hulu and a host of other on-demand content providers are going to free us from the proverbial viagra, and vaginal lube commercials we are all subject to as these companies gain more market share. Who actually watches more then about six channels with any regularity? I don’t. Only problem is in order to watch those six channels, my satellite provider makes me buy into a channel package full of shit channels I’ll never watch.

Want to watch Jon Stewart or Tosh, then you have to pay for a half dozen other MTV “thirteen year old opps I fucked a dirtbag and now I’m a pregnant teen channels.”

Cable and satellite providers know what is happening with on demand content providers and how its going to affect the way they do business. You have any idea what they are doing about it? You guessed it. Nothing. They’re stuck with “the old dinosaur ways of advertising revenue”.

Look at simple retail. Anyone try and buy something electronic from Best Buy in the last two to three years? How was the experience?

Been to a Lowes or a Home Depot and try and get the simplest degree of customer service or ask where a toilet flange bolt is located? Good Luck.

Do I really need to mention Wal-Mart?

We used to produce things in this country. Wether it was durable goods or providing some kind of service. Now not so much.

This country is lazy. That same lazy elected a president that actually had the balls to say something to the effect “that any of the few business left in the country that the founders of those businesses didn’t really create the business”. Of course now our President claims the statement was taken out of context, but after hearing the speech, what earthly context could have been appropriate to make any such statement to citizens of this country during these economic times?

I don’t know what happened to this country. I will say that come election time in November, “Keep your eyes on the road and your hands up on the wheel”. Our current President is not a leader he’s a warden, and Johnny Cash has something for prison wardens.

Hamburgers in paradise or food of the infidels.

I like mine with lettuce and tomato

Heinz 57 and french fried potatoes

Big Kosher pickle and a cold draft beer

Well good god almighty which way do I steer

The first in a series of foodie type blog posts on Whats Up Brock its with happiness that I introduce to the readers…(insert Keith Moon drum roll here)

Middle Eastern Lamb Burgers. I ran across this gem of a recipe over on Chow.

While technically not mine this is my interpretation of the above mentioned recipe. Think of it if you will of Jimi Hendrix playing All Along the Watchtower or Sgt. Peppers.

I don’t normally eat a lot of lamb. My father hates it so I rarely ate it growing up. I have experimented with a leg of lamb on the grill from time to time, but I never knew if the lamb I was buying just sucked or the meat itself sucked. As I understand it, good decent lamb comes from Australia. There is lamb raised and sold in the US buts its not as good.

Secondly, over in the middle east lamb is to a whack job terrorist as is a good hog roast is to a North Georgia abortion clinic bomber. Ironically both groups of individuals seem to get the impression from the same holy prophets and scriptures that one animal is unclean and unfit for human consumption while the other is ok to eat. Imagine that.

While I don’t belong to either group mentioned above, I could potentially have some terroristic tendencies if and when the end times are upon us. In that spirit I’ll embrace the food of my fellow man of ridiculous bullshit ideology and whip up then wolf down some Middle Eastern Lamb Burgers. I doubled the published recipe for guests and leftovers throughout the week. Makes about six 1/3 pound burgers or eight 1/4 pounders.

•2 pound ground lamb

•1/2 cup minced red onion

•2 medium garlic clove, minced

•4 tablespoons finely chopped fresh Italian parsley leaves

•4 teaspoons finely chopped fresh mint leaves

•2 teaspoon kosher salt

•1 teaspoon cayenne pepper

•1 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper

•8 burger buns

Gently mix the meat with all the other ingredients, form into patties and grill over direct medium fire about ten (10) minutes per side.

Top the burgers with the following cucumber and cumin yogurt relish. Also found on

•6 medium Kirby cucumbers, peeled, halved lengthwise, and seeded

•1 1/2 teaspoons kosher salt

•1/4 cup Greek-style yogurt or sour cream

•2 tablespoons white wine or red wine vinegar

•2 tablespoons finely chopped fresh Italian parsley leaves

•2 teaspoons finely chopped fresh mint leaves

•2 teaspoons granulated sugar

•1 teaspoon whole coriander seed, crushed to a powder

•1/2 teaspoon ground cumin

•1/4 teaspoon ground cayenne pepper

The relish I stayed true to the published recipe.


These weren’t half bad. If you’re getting tired of the same old burgers, try these beauties. I give these a respectable 7.5 our of a 10. Good enough to break the slump of eating the same old go to grilled burgers, but probably not special enough to add into any normal rotation. If I’m trying to get into the panties of say some beautiful Israeli chick sure I’ll break this recipe out.

Try em and report back.

TGIF or how I woke up and thought..


I dont care if it rains or freezes long as I got my plastic Jesus riding on the dashboard of my car.

Goin ninety I aint scary cause I got the virgin mary assuring me that i wont go to hell.

…the best movie in the world, ok maybe not “The Best” but my top five short list of best movies in the world is Cool Hand Luke. I have pretty much modeled my life after the main character Lucas Jackson albeit subconsciously most of the times.

Hell I named the best dog I ever owned and loved “Lucille” after one of the characters in the movie.

If you have not seen the movie, rent it, buy it, amazon it whatever. You’ll watch it at least twenty-sixteen times or something. I swear.

Anyway, without spoiling the movie, Luke is a one of a kind, natural born world shaker. His mother dies while he’s in the road gang and he gets put in “the box” for no reason other then in case he tries to escape for her funeral. He does escape a few times gets caught each time, but jail, the bosses and the captain cant break him. Remind of you anyone

Throughout the movie Newman’s character has an internal battle with the man upstairs (God) about giving him a sign or something to show him what he is supposed to do with his life.

Now I cant say that I have much the same debate with God or whatever my higher power may be from one week to another about doing something with my life, but I can relate in a way to Luke in this regard.

You see if there is a God or some kind of Devine higher power, that son of a bitch took my Lucille away from me at the ripe old age of four and half years old. She was still a fucking puppy in my eyes with a shit ton of good years ahead of her.

“….for reasons you don’t know he/she/it has a plan and we don’t always know the bigger picture.”

Yea what the hell ever.

“…..maybe your karma is bad”

I pretty much live my life by a few simple principles. Try and be kind, treat others fairly and with respect. Lastly in the almighty words of Tony Montana “I aint never fucked nobody over that didn’t have it coming to him, and in this world all I got is my balls and my word and I don’t break them for no one.” Oh look another movie mantra I live by, starting to see a pattern here.

So I question this whole faith in the higher power thing. In the big picture or plan, who am I really? I don’t really take or give, I cared pretty much about one thing in life and it was that Golden Retriever. In the grand scheme of things what was the significance of me or Lucille or allowing her at such a young age to get a mass on her spleen?

“…simple science and biology man, these things happen, there is no control just bad luck.”

Yeah I know, and I have honestly accepted that. But it doesn’t make the battle with faith in our higher power any less problematic. That this happened goes against everything faith supposedly teaches us.

Is there a heaven and hell? I don’t know. So far in life I have done enough and frankly have the sky miles to upgrade to a first class seat to both locations. Is this the reason Lucille is gone? I recognize and try to live life on the good side of the equation of the force and not go to the dark side. The whole fear leads to anger, anger leads to…..oh wait thats George Lucas…fuck another movie.

I am so screwed…..Lucille I love you and miss you baby girl. Find God or Lucifer or Yoda and I will see you again at another time. Some day I may get another dog, she wont be another Lucille but she may be a “Dragline” or a “Coconut Head- Koko” or a “Babalugats”.

This entry is dedicated to Lucille Retriever Kingston 2007-2012

Haters, cheaters and gun controllers are all going to..

So you think that its over

That your love has finally reached the end.

Anytime you call night or day, I’ll be right there for you if you need a friend…

…keep on hating cheating and trying to control our guns. Any guess what this entry is going to be about?

As expected since this past Friday and the horrible events in the Colorado movie theater, every talking head in the media entertainment and political arena has been spouting “WE NEED MORE GUN CONTROL”.

The media has played this one just as one would expect a fat chick at an all you can eat buffet.

First, they (media) try and make a connection to the actual movie Batman. Ok nothing there. Violence on TV? Nah thats not sticking. Bad parents? No known issues there either. Shit the kid was highly educated and well thought of, if not a little introverted and a loner. Christ, watching the media trying to assign blame and make sense of this senseless act is like watching…well its like watching…..I don’t know what its like watching, so insert the proverbial synonymous act here of watching something you know that is not going to end in success. I thought about inserting the old retarded kid trying to tell you he/she just shit their pants thing, but this blog is brand new. Lets not wipe all the classy and new car smell off quite yet.

So whats the last thing anyone can grab a hold of?

“Well, well um….who really needs ASSAULT WEAPONS anyway? We have to ban them!”

Insane. People are idiots. I especially love how the pro-gun control preface all their circular logic arguments with “hunting guns like rifles and shotguns are ok and handguns for self defense are acceptable but who needs an assault weapon? They were especially made to kill efficiently.” Ahhh yea heres a little clue morons, every single firearm ever created will kill your ass deader then a goddamn doornail if in the hands of someone intent on doing harm to someone else or in some cases themselves.

If I cant own an assault weapon, tell the stuck up broad she doesn’t need a five carat diamond ring when one carat is acceptable. Tell the mid life crisis douche he doesn’t need the Corvette, the Malibu goes plenty fast enough to kill himself in and it comes in red paint too. Tell everyone in congress who want to ban “Assault” weapons that its not a problem right after they switch their insurance to basic Blue Cross Blue Shield HMO and their pensions are no longer funded and they can contribute 20% pre-tax to some shitty 401K if they want.

Very simply its choices and freedom. Don’t give yours away, and think beyond your own myopic views before trying to take away someone else’s.


Really?! Both sexes own this issue equally. The only difference I can see is when it happens to women, they pretty much go off the deep end and swear all examples of the opposite sex are the same. When it happens to guys we pretty much lose it in an initial fit of rage, call you a cunt and then try to screw your sister or best friend. In a week we’re ok.

Girls who have been cheated on will go months and years looking to avoid being cheated on again in new relationships often times to the detriment to the relationship. Guys, well we learn what a cheater looks and acts like, we can smell them from a mile away, but a great set of tits and a nice ass trumps everything. Then when the cheating happens, we’re shocked and use the “cunt” word again, dirty sanchez the sister or BFF and a week later, start the cycle all over again.

…and we wonder why more “intelligent life” from another planet hasn’t visited us yet?

Haters? Well we all know they are going to hate. Be yourselves. Well unless she has a great set of tits a nice ass with five carat diamonds and a Corvette parked outside. Step your game up and keep an eye out for her sister and best friend as you’ll be getting to know them soon too.

Unchained and I’ve hit the ground runnin’

I thought you’d never miss me till I got a fat city address

None stop talker, what a rocker

Blue-eyed murder in a size five dress

Well here it is, the first entry. I should probably start this off and appropriately thank the responsible parties who held the fuse to the spark of blogging I had been toying with in my head. Not unlike that little kid board in the summer starting fires in the woods with illegal bottle rockets.

Amy, Debbie and by association Allen, thanks. Here goes nothing.

I hope to contribute to this experiment at least once a day with my certain brand of humor.

“Hey funny fat ass, what do you have to contribute anyway?”

Well, as most of my friends know, I can pretty much talk about anything or have an opinion on the same. So with any luck, I may be of some interest and make a person smile or laugh. If thats the case, I won. If not, well then ahhh…coughfuckyoucough!

Hey I am trying.