Peaches come from a can they were put there by a man

In a factory downtown.

If I had my little way I’d eat peaches everyday.

Sun soakin’ bulges in the shade.
I’ve often thought about relocating from my current residence in the fine state of Florida to somewhere more rural.

“You don’t have to leave Florida to be more rural.”

True, but I often think more rural with four actual seasons instead of one. Florida is pretty much one season, hot and wet. Sure we get a few days of winter, but then its back to the same heat. A fall or spring would be nice.

I also find myself tired of most of the inhabitants of the state. Florida is for the most part the melting pot of ignorance and intolerance. There are few true Floridians or “crackers” as they have been known to be called. Most Floridians are from somewhere else. Particularly New Jersey or New York. Hell I am one of them.

Between career and military service I have pretty much traveled all over the world. I am not ready to renounce my citizenship and abandon my country yet. Although I do keep a short list of non-extraditable countries in the back of my head, should the need arise.

So I find myself thinking about relocation within the forty-eight contiguous states and it always seem to come back to one thing. Women.

You see throughout my life’s travels I have pretty much graded all the geographic locations I have visited by the types and my perceived notion of the quality of women that lived in each area.

Yes I know its silly. Yes I know its ridiculous. Yes I know truly there is no way to judge a geographical location to live based on what I think about at best a half dozen women in those locations. At my age, I don’t have much time for reasonable and this is women I am talking about. Really? Reasonable? Women? Me?

So yeah, my short list of more rural places to live or not so rural but with USDA Grade A Prime women, to move to and live in:

Spartanburg, South Carolina. A few years ago I flew into Spartanburg, SC. to vet out and train with a software developer located there. Between the companies offices, the downtown area and pretty much every single woman I laid my eyes on in a seventy-two hour time frame, I did not see one unattractive woman. Not one. Manners, general attitude, pleasant dispositions you name it. It was like God himself on a whim blasted out a perfect place in the universe where all the women, were beautiful, pleasant, and sane. In fact the software was for drug store and pharmacy management, and we visited a drug store in town where the software was installed to see it in action.While in the drug store, I didn’t even see tampons for sale. God made the women of Spartanburg, SC so freaking perfect they don’t even have periods. I swear I could hear angles singing while walking down the streets.

Next location. Dallas, Texas. Same thing, flew to Dallas a few times to deal with clients while working in the telecom business. Now granted I am not naive enough to think all the women of Dallas are visions of perfection as is Spartanburg, SC. Everything is bigger in Texas. Particularly tits. Now I am not a tit man. I mean they’re nice and I’ll play “the front nine” with a style and ease to…Dance Dance Dance the night Away….sorry small Van Halen hijack. Yeah, not a big tit guy, but the women of Dallas, like the women of Spartanburg, are exceptionally polite, classy, down home-ish, and being Texan gun toting, ass kicking, freedom loving and god fearing conservatives which is right in my wheel house.

Indianapolis, Indiana. Now Indiana is a special exception. I have never been to Indiana. I have a bunch of friends there. The best sex I ever had was with a woman from Indiana. Lastly Indiana has the Indianapolis 500. Like Bunny said in Platoon, “there ain’t nothing better then the Indy 500, ‘cept maybe a piece of pussy.” I have been invited many times to visit Indiana. Hell some friends have invited me to the 500. There has always been some plans or reasons I could not accept the offers. Frankly I think its gods will I never go, because in my rather twisted mind, I imagine all the women are as good in bed as my previous Indiana love affair. Add that to the Indy 500 and I’ll be a fucking Hoosier in a month.

Chicago, Illinois. Been a few times. Nice city, lots to do, still kind of midwest. Cute girls. Lots of Pollocks, and lunatic Democrats. Short enough distance to ride Harley to Sturgis, SD every August. Still though, taxes and Democrats.

Alas, most all my friends and family are here in Florida. Most of my friends go back to the first grade or there about in elementary school. My mother and father are still alive and married. We still talk an get along well. Same with brothers. I may be eternally single, always looking for that “one” but if I am judged by the friends and family I have, both near and far, then I am more then one lucky son of a bitch. I’m doing pretty good in life all things considered. Think I’ll stay put around here, a little longer.

Doesn’t mean I wont be visiting Indiana soon, and trying to screw every woman this silver tongued liar can get into bed. Who am I kidding? I’ll settle for the 500 in the month of May one of these years, and cherish the memories of that one particular Hoosier woman a little longer.

Home sweet Florida home.