Take Away This Ball and Chain

Well I’ve searched and I’ve searchedLuke
To find the perfect life
A brand new car and a brand new suit
I even got me a little wife
But wherever I have gone
I was sure to find myself there
You can run all your life
But not go anywhere

Another Monday and another arduous start to another week. Ugh. Hang in there we’ll suffer together. Strength in numbers and all that good stuff.

First things first. Good news not so good news regarding the new Golden Retriever I was going to adopt. Good news is I found out his real name. Its Endo. Traveller is really Endo. Not so good news I didn’t adopt him from the animal shelter. Good news is last weekend his owners showed up and claimed him. I was a little bummed but more then anything I was happy Endo found his real owners, or more accurately his real owners gave a small shit about him and came looking for him. Glad he’s back where he belongs with his family. Folks if you have pets particularly dogs do the following:

  • Put a fucking colar on them with at least a goddamn tag and phone number
  • If your dog is an escape artist, or you’re a retard who lets the dog run free microchip the dog
  • If you’re going to let your dog stay outside,think aggressive flea and tick control
  • If your dog is sick, take him to a vet

So Endo went back home where he belongs which is good. Hopefully his family takes a little better care of him. The real happy ending is that what the animal shelter is there for and trying to do protecting and getting animals back home or to a good home is actually working.

Moving along…

I did not watch the Golden Globe Awards last night. I couldn’t give any less of a shit about what the Hollywood elite was wearing or their imbecile thoughts on say, global warming, or how bad Taylor Swift is in bed who keeps scaring off men and then writing songs about it. I swear if that broad could go down on some junk as well as she can pen an new blistering song about the poor bastard that took a try with her, I would champion her music until they found Jimmy Hoffa.

What I did do this weekend however was quite monumental. In fact it deserves trumpets and angels playing harps! It’s so big I question whether I have the strength and words to convey such amaze balls here on this little blog. Can you guess what I did? Are you sitting on the edge of your seat? Are you sweating bullets waiting for the big reveal? Are you reading along skimming forward a few words at a time for a spoiler about what I did? Are you screaming in your head “YES, YES, YOU SON OF A BITCH TELL ME WHAT YOU DID!”

Are you ready?

Are you sure?

Better sit down.

I pressure cleaned the driveway. My driveway has returned to middle class white suburbia with a nice fresh look. No longer am I that house with the mildewy driveway. I am now back in the ranks of “hey some clean give a shit dude must live there driveway”. I won the war against my driveway pressure cleaning procrastination. It was a long fight. I was up against the ropes from about October through December, but damn it, I fought the good fight. I was knocked down with power naps, NFL, Moonshiners and Axe Men but I got back up each time. I said to myself “you can do it, follow your dreams Brock, don’t let any nap or intriguing TV tell you that you cant have a nice clean driveway again”. So I kept fighting and getting back up like Cool Hand Luke and I was like “Kick a buck, Kick a buck” adding money to the pot in the poker hand of Brock versus the pressure cleaned driveway. Driveway and life against me all folded and got out of the game, and I won, with nuthin’ because sometimes having “nuthin’ can be a real cool hand!”

Then I made some raisin bread. See?

That’s about it for the weekend. Productive. Hope yours was too.

Peace and love or at the least non-violent acceptance in a friendly manner.

Let ‘er rip, tater chip!

It’s beginning to smell a lot like


Its the day before Christmas Eve. It’s Sunday. It’s 8am EST. I should probably start my Christmas shopping. Didn’t I blog about this nonsense and getting an early start this year? Good intentions pave the way to hell. Well I am not officially late. Late will be if I don’t do anything today and go out shopping tomorrow. If I shop today, technically I could still achieve my resolution to begin early, but honestly why break tradition? I’ll go out tomorrow with my father whom I am certain is in the exact same position I am in. Maybe thats where I get it from? Is procrastination genetic? Is “my low level of give a fucks” passed down from father to son? Am I just some kind of holiday season retail anomaly? Why can’t the month of December take as long to get through as getting into the magical underwear of the hot Mormon girl at prom? Why god? WHY?

I am happy to report I got into the festivities this year. I realized I had in my possession a rather nice Christmas blanket with trees and wreathes and whatnot stitched into it. So I pulled it out and put it over the back of the couch. DING DING Christmas decorating and holiday spirit.

Me and awesome = +1
Broken holiday resolution = 0

DWB_BDCakeYou may remember my small video tribute to my friend Debbie in honor of her wish for a certain themed Magic Mike birthday last weekend. Well for being a good sport through it all (hey who doesn’t love dancing retards special people with boners for their birthday?) I made her a birthday cake.

Its basically a chocolate, chocolate, chocolate and to break up the chocolate, some Reese’s peanut butter cup pieces chocolate cake.

I have another good friend that works for M&M Mars, and he’s going to kick me in the balls when he see’s this post and that I besmirched his chocolate empire for supporting Hershey inc. What I go through and do for friends.

DWB_BDCake1Then my arch nemesis in the baking world “Bakerella” tries to sneak attack my birthday cake making plans and below the radar, without consulting me, the self proclaimed master, of baking and cooking amongst our small group of friends and makes the same cake for our mutual friend Debbie.

Damn you Bakeralla! Damn you to H, E, double hockey sticks! I will have my revenge! ;-P

Seriously though, its all good. Its a small testament of how lucky I am to be associated with and have the group of friends that I do. I mean its not everyday a rather masculine man would openly blog about baking birthday cakes and then take such make believe offense of having his baking spotlight stolen from him in the most treacherous of ways. Fella must have some good friends. Yeah, I do. I’m pretty blessed. Except that Bakerella chick, watch your back around that one, she’s like a Martha Stewart with a switchblade knife. LOL

Coffee’s running low, grass needs cutting, and someone needs help moving a couch. No rest for the wicked!

Let ‘er rip, tater chip!


Gangway Thursday! Coming Through Nothing to See Here

Haven’t made a Thursday post in while so here we go. Another milestone. Go me. Go you. We’re awesome.

What’s new?

Kate is still pregnant, puking and shitting herself.

Rex Ryan is still an idiot and starting Sanchez against Jacksonville. This will certainly put the final nail into the wildcard playoff coffin chances of the year.

Homeless people in New York really are stupid. You give them shoes in the winter, and they trade them for booze the next day. You tell them to go get a job and they push you in front of a subway. Meanwhile every other fire, police, power company, and other tradesmen from around the country are voluntarily helping with the recovery of Hurricane Sandy in NJ/NY while the bums sit and freeze their asses off doing nothing. Go figure.

Syria is loading aerial bombs with the base components of sarin gas. I hope they use it on each other. Not because I want to see people die in the most gruesome way possible, because trust me, it will be gruesome and it will not be pretty. I want to see it happen because its a permanent and lasting solution to a problem that will take care of everything within hours over there. It will be one less headache for Israel and it will consume the Obama administration for at least a year in bullshit politics of shifting blame, making excuses and hiding truth and fact, that Washington wont have time to ruin the economy further. Well for a bit of time anyway. One can hope. HOPE AND CHANGE YO!

I suppose I should start thinking about Christmas shopping this year. That fact that I am thinking about thinking about the shopping shows I am maturing with age. My goal is do something in the way of Christmas presents before the 23rd. We’ll see how all that pans out. My modus operandi is start my shopping on December 24th. By that time Im so ridiculously late that I can’t even be stressed about it anymore and only laugh as I battle my way through the crowds of other ridiculously late procrastinators out on Christmas Eve doing the same exact thing. We’re a small group, a band of brothers if you will. You know us by the smiles on our faces, walking through the Targets and Best Buys with Starbucks cups full of scotch. We all live knowing that all can be made well with our significant others by the mere and simple stop by the mall jewelry store and the purchase of flashy stones and gold metal that will prove us worthy for another year. Merry Christmas!

Thats it. I need coffee.

Let ‘er rip, tater chip!

Welcome back lover, its nice to see you again.

Friday that is, and in all your gloriousness you come back to me with your thermostat set to beautiful. I missed you. Please do not be in such a rush to leave me as I know you will. Let me enjoy and cherish you.

So as you may have noticed from my rather romantic or vomitus depending on your nature, opening statements the weather here in Florida has turned rather nice the last couple days. Furthermore its Friday and we all know what that means. Weekend freedom!

Last nights vice presidential debate went about as much as I suspected it would go. Vice President Biden better known as your drunken uncle barked, howled, flung his arms in the air and laughed between interrupting almost every word out of Paul Ryan’s mouth. Did he state anything of substance? Not particularly in my opinion. Obama came off as a pussy in the first debate and here comes Biden like a raving idiot. Very telegraphed response from the Obama administration and their mindless followers claiming the “old man” schooled the “young kid”. I thought Ryan handled himself professionally and much more maturely. The Romney team needs to clean up, and clarify some key subjects as abortion rights and tax reform instead of letting the Obama team intimate that they have no specific plan and that somehow no plan is much worse then a proven failing plan that we currently have with Obama. We’ll see what Romney does next week.

Lately I have been calling Lucas “Little Booty” more then I have been calling him by his name. There are a few issues at play here that I have been analyzing over in my head.

This dog’s southbound end is as cute as his northbound. When he is excited his whole butt shakes back and forth with the little nub of his tail doing the same thing. I cant help but laugh or smile. If the old saying “the sun shines even on a dogs ass at least once a day” is true this dog was born with his ass eternally planted in sun-shinny happiness. Naturally I have started calling him “Little Booty”.  Sorry, not sorry. Don’t Judge me.

If I call out to him “Little Booty” he will come running. He will also come to his name “Lucas”. Professionals will tell you that dogs don’t necessarily distinguish between the actual words or names more then the sounds and inflections of the words. No, go, and flow may all be the same to what a dog hears, but they become aware of the inflection of the words.

I mention all this because well, because it makes me feel better about calling my awesome little dog, “Little Booty” without feeling the least bit shamed or fixated on my dogs ass. He has a cute boot. What can I tell you?

Now for myself, standing in the street yelling, “LITTLE BOOTY” come, stay or heel? That is entirely a different matter. As much as I love the little dog, Im not willing to relinquish that masculinity or self respect yet. Well at least not when someone may be watching. LOL. So in those cases it’s back to “Lucas”. I find myself pausing from time to time when I am about to call Lucas, Little Booty that I need to also call him Lucas and mentally checking the “dog actual name and dog nickname” score card in my head to keep things even.

For the last three weekends, I have told myself that I will pressure clean the driveway. Now  in my defense one of those weekends it rained the entire time. The others however and my bad habit of procrastination has gotten the better of me. I should pressure clean the driveway right now. Coffee and this blog dictate much more important matters so the driveway goes further down the list of “get this shit done” things I really need to do. Its a brutal game I play with myself. I make a mental list of things, chores mostly, that I should do and I know if I do them all then I was very productive and I will even feel good about myself. Inevitably though I will not get to or really try to do all but the most necessary chores like laundry, house cleaning, grass cutting. I know this is going to happen every time. I make a list of things to do, know damn well I wont do the suckiest of chores, then feel shitty I let it slide again. Lather, rinse, repeat! It’s usually not until one of two things happen that I force myself to do the most crappy of chores. The complete and utter shame of having blown the item off for so long I cant stand to look at the situation any more, or I think I may impress a cute girl. Hey no shame. Even Hitler had a nice piece of ass. Didn’t do anything with it cause he had no penis but none the less, women make this world function.

Well thats it for now. I am about three recipes in the hole for the blog I need to work on, my coffee is getting low and then there is the damn driveway. Anyone want to take bets on what actually gets done? Hint safe money says watch the recipe section and find out.

Little Booty Lucas has his priorities set.