Devils Night 2014

brock18…or how most refer to as my birthday. Yep the big four three today. To be honest with you I really don’t feel forty-three. Hell I don’t feel forty or thirty-five. I guess in the grand scheme of things its good I don’t feel my age. I have never particularly acted it, so I guess it only goes to show that I don’t feel it either.

Technically, I am middle aged. I can only hope to live to eighty-six years old in relative good health.  So I am middle aged, and eternally single it seems. I just don’t get out much and meet new people. As far as a mid-life crisis I either haven’t had one, or have been in one the last twenty something years. I haven’t particularly grown stale in long term relationships (although I have been lucky enough to love a handful of some great women and a couple of cunts) and needed to go out and sow my wild oats or buy Corvettes. I have always gone after the women I wanted when I wanted, and as far as toys, I bought them all. Cars, trucks, motorcycles, tools, guns, TV you name it. If I wanted it I bought it.

Sometimes I wonder what if I had done this or accepted and settled down with that? In the end I figure I am right where I want to be. Happy. Could that include someone else in the future? I have no idea and thats what I like the most. Every new day is an adventure. I do know what I won’t give up and thats “me”. I am going to be me and me is content.

When I look back on my first half of life, certainly there are things I would like to have done differently. However in the end everything I have done to get me to this point the good, bad and ugly, has made me what I am today. In the big picture I can honestly say, I am one blessed motherfucker and try very hard to live with no regrets.

My family is golden. We’re no better or worse then any other and frankly most may even consider us functioning at the middle range of disfunction. Thats all ok. In the end I can honestly say through everything we all love each other and have each others back. Its my opinion that you’re basically shit without family. I have mine and thats like winning the lotto.

Friends. You want to judge someone? Easy. Just look at their friends. I have a metric shit ton of them. Some new some old. I can honestly say, if I lined up all my friends whom I think would stand up for me and admit saying “Yes I know him and he’s my friend” I would give the Dali Lama, Mother Teresa, Hunter S. Thompson, and Bob Hope a run for their money in the friend department. I couldn’t be more blessed in this regard.

My dogs seem to love me. Dogs can pretty much sniff out a scumbag at birth. Mine seem to appreciate and love me. I am winning in this subject for sure.

My nieces are a bit young yet, but I figure I’ll buy them their first beer, kick the shit out of the first scumbag boys that try and take advantage of them and teach them how to truly craft a string of profanity that would make any sailor or longshoremen blush. I’m sure they’ll appreciate these things later in life.

I am content, happy and forty-three today. What will the next forty-three years bring me? No clue, but I am looking forward to every one of those years with wide eyed wonder and abandon. I have learned some valuable lessons to get me to where I am today, and if by some chance I get more opportunities to strike with this hard learned knowledge the world is my oyster. If not? Well I’ll sit back, jerk off to some internet porn, pet the dogs, take a nap and call up some friends for dinner or a drink. I mean what else do I have to worry about? Signing up for Obamacare?

In the mighty words of Walter Sobchak, “Fuck it Dude. Lets go bowling.”

Thanks for all the birthday wishes on Facebook, Text messages, Tweets, etc. You know who you are, and I hope you know how much each of you means to me. It’s only 10PM and I still have a chocolate strawberry cake and a hand job coming to me . 😛

Let ‘er rip tater chips.

Hello October!

What’s new trusted and committed reader? I hope this update finds you well in this post Breaking Bad pre Walking Dead purgatory we find ourselves in.

Me? I’m good. In my last update I mentioned a new member to the pack at home. Coconut Head has made himself at home and is as thick as thieves with my other two scoundrels I call my best friends. We’re one BIG happy family now and things are running smoothly. IMG_1503

Can you guess which one is the alpha pack leader?

You know when a dog has accepted you as their master and trusts you completely. He / She will come up to you without provocation and lick you on the face. Genetically from when dogs were wolves a face to face licking is a sign of submission and acceptance. This hasn’t changed in any dog breeds or since man has domesticated the animals. Today for the first time since I brought him home, Coconut Head my Mastiff came up to me this morning and stared at me then licked my face. Now I was on the throne taking a shit at the time, but we keep things real in my house so it was all good.

If I have learned anything in life from dogs its the following. Dogs simply do not care who you are, what you do, what you look like, how much money you make, or how much you lie through your teeth trying to convince others that you are all the things you are not. In the simplest of terms if you can show an ounce of compassion, love, and leadership a dog will accept you, love you back and follow you to the grave. How much more simple can life get? We as humans often over complicate relationships and look where we end up? Oh and one more thing. Never say never. I swore I’d never get another male dog, I swore I’d never get a smaller dog. I also swore I’d never get three dogs. Yet here I am finding the most honest of life’s pleasures of owning three male dogs, and the profound simple enjoyment of being appreciated for providing a decent home to these animals by the mere lick of the face while taking a morning shit.

My next serious relationship with a woman I am simply going to state up front, love me and I’ll love you. Lead me and I will follow. Be honest with who you are and I wont care. From time to time I may lick your face when you take a shit to show you how much I love and appreciate you. (ok maybe not the last part but whatever, never say never right? She may be into that kind of thing)

I am convinced we can get a heck of a lot further in life and in happiness if we take a few lessons from our dogs. In the words of Walter White, “Cheer up beautiful people this is where you get to make it right.”

I love October. Besides being my birth month, October is one damn fine month in Florida. The weather usually breaks down here. By breaks I mean it goes from 90’s to 80’s on average with a slightly easier humidity point. Yes, it feels like fall. It has to be fall. Pumpkins are showing up on church lawns, and grocery stores. Walmart has Thanksgiving and Christmas shit out already, so it has to be fall. Three weeks into football season. My Harley is getting washed and ready for some road time. It is fall!

Let ‘er rip tater chips.

We lived through another day

Its a good excuse to celebrate
Take a number knock on wood
We’ll find a reason to feel good

Another weekend draws to a close, and another work week begins. Let the collective sighs and moans commence.

Lots of things in the news this weekend. Seems some douche bag made a rather less then flattering movie about Islam. Then some more douche bags rioted and stormed our embassies around the world. Some of our citizens were killed. Some douche bag in the White House apologized for the movie to the douche bags rioting, and then that douche bag went and partied in Las Vegas with a couple more douche bags. Remember all these douche bags when you vote in November.

Saturday evening I wasn’t in the mood to cook. I ordered a pizza from Domino’s. I regret it. I knew I would regret it before I ordered it. I still ordered it. I have gotten involved with women in much the same way. Why do I put myself through this misery? Lets take a deeper look shall we?

Saturday as stated I wasn’t in the mood to cook. I was hungry, I wanted to eat so I had to do something. I knew I was going to eat shitty pizza and I accepted that fate. My criteria for shitty pizza was the following.

  • Had to be able to order my pizza online. I didnt want to dial a phone number and talk to some pimple headed douche bag to submit my order.
  • I had to be able to pay with my banks debt/Visa I had about $7 cash on hand. Ok for drivers tip not enough for shitty pizza.
  • Delivery. I don’t want to cook, I’m sure as hell not driving for shitty pizza
  • I wasn’t going to pay silly money for shitty pizza.

I knew my choices essentially came to three options.  Pizza Hut (or in my vernacular Pizza Slut), Papa John’s, or Domino’s.

Out came the trusty iPad. Pizza Slut (Hut) has its own mobile app. Someone should wake up the Pizza Slut/Hut IT department at up at corporate. It blows up on launch and I noticed it hasn’t been updated in at least a version or two of IOS. Good going Pizza Slut/Hut. You’re just like every other corporate entity in this nation. Sleep at the switch and what customer service?

Papa John’s online site for ordering was working. Poked around a little. Papa John’s idea of a deal was $13 for a single shitty pizza before a delivery charge and tax. Kiss my ass crooked John your no Papa of mine. I am not paying $15+ for a single shitty pizza no matter how many peppers and little tubs of liquid garlic butter jiz you may throw my way.

Domino’s here I come. Domino’s was at one time many years ago an acceptable shitty pizza option. Hit the website. Pretty easy to navigate, well laid out. Two medium two topping pizza special for $5.99 each. Ok thats better but I am alone, dont need two whole medium pizzas. Dominos has been advertising these new cheese bread sticks. I can substitute this for one of the shitty pizzas. No problem. Out the door with tax and delivery I’m at $15 and change for two items. I’ll sling the poor schlub delivery driver a $5 and I got food for a day and a half.

Dominos sucks! Their pizza sucks, the abortion of the new and improved cheese bread sucks. Everything sucked. I wasn’t shocked. I knew it was going to happen from the beginning. I torture myself like this all the time. My instincts told me it was going to suck and as usual I ignored my instincts, said to myself, “how bad can it be, its better then making something at this hour” and sure enough I wasn’t let down. It sucked.

As I thought about this issue I have with shitty pizza, I realized I could use choosing to eat shitty pizza as a metaphor for choosing shitty relationships. Fortunately I have had a lot more shitty pizza then shitty relationships. It doesn’t change the fact that every shitty relationship I have been involved in, I always in every single case knew from the very beginning the relationship was going to suck. Sure enough each time I ignored my gut instincts and WHAMO, it sucked.

Look at this psychology. I even tried to apply the old cliche that “there is no shitty pizza and that all pizza even shitty is still good”. Yeah…ahhhhh…..nope. That’s categorically not true with relationships. If they suck, then they suck.

I know exactly what makes a great pizza. I know exactly what I think will be a great pizza. I have had great pizza. I can say all the same in regards to relationships. I know what makes a great relationship, I know how to make a great relationship, I have had great relationships.

Great relationships are like great pizza. A great pizza is awesome when its fresh right out of the oven made with great ingredients. Its also awesome if you can wake up the next morning and without having to do anything to it, just pick up a cold piece and its still great for breakfast. The problem I find is a seemingly great pizza fresh out of the oven, usually rates low and drifts back into the “suck” zone when cold the next morning. I have had relationships exactly the same way. Great that night fresh out of the proverbial oven, wake up the next  morning, look over and go, “oh Jesus Christ another shitty pizza”.

We can send men to the moon, Dina Lohan can blow Dr. Phil in a drunken stupor on tv, but why cant I have a great pizza? Why do I keep lying to myself, going against my good judgement and going back to try what I know is going to be shitty pizza? I know what I want in a pizza and I know exactly what I want in a relationship. I can make great pizza all day long. Unless I start collecting Tesla coils and sending out Marty Feldman to start digging up corpses and bringing back AB Normal’s brains I can’t make a completely great relationship. I got all the great ingredients I just need to find a woman with an awesome oven I guess.

That was my weekend. Shitty pizza and all.