Walmart | What's Up Brock

We have survived another week. Lets get the almost TGIF out of the way.

As I find myself in the rush to the Christmas holidays, I debated whether or not to even call it “Christmas” here on the blog. While I don’t intentionally want to alienate those non-Christians that may from time to time read my blog, I thought better to remain true to myself and call it what I have called it all my life. Not that I would go out of my way to insult someone else’s belief, but I don’t need to hide mine or otherwise feel ashamed by it in the name of protecting someone else’s sensibilities over a simple name of a holiday. You can call it the Holiday season, Kwanza, Hanukkah, Ramadan, or Ooogilly Googilly Goat Fuck Day for all I care. Most people that know me, know I don’t play the politically correct game, but thats not to say I don’t or wont respect others beliefs. Just here, you’re in my fucking house, and in this house, its called fucking Christmas. You fucking get all that?

The lights are going up in the neighborhood on a few houses. I know my brother has put up some lights on his house too, but I haven’t been over to see them. Single and living alone, I don’t really get too hung up on putting up a tree or decorating the house for Christmas. I am beginning to rethink those choices as I get older and softer. Don’t get me wrong, I am not running out for a tree and strapping on heels and an apron to start decorating the house to show tunes. I may however install a seasonal wreath on the front door, or maybe hang some Mistletoe in the house somewhere rather then off my belt and hit the local juke joint. A poinsettia maybe but I think they are poisonous to dogs, so the hell with that.

I sometimes miss all the family Christmas traditions or creating new ones each year. Not enough to go out and hook up with the first broad that will say yes, mind you, but sometimes not doing anything for the holidays around the house, while convenient and zero hassle, I have noticed places a rather numb feeling on me during this time of year. I think I’ll change this thinking a bit, and try and get my hum bug ass into the season a little more. What’s the worst that can happen? Well I could climb an observation tower with high powered rifles and bring Christmas cheer to all kinds of people while etching my name in the history books, but really, that not in keeping with the reason for the season, is it?

This year, I’ll do a little something around here for Christmas. Exactly what that may be, I have no clue yet, but its still not officially December yet. I am still shitting turkey and cranberry sauce. I am not late and I am not stressing.

Christmas is such a stressful time for folks and I honestly don’t know why. It’s the end of the year, things are winding down. We’re supposed to be hanging with family, chilling out, maybe taking some time off work for the holidays. I see so many people running around worried about buying this or that. Getting ready to go here or there. Worrying about the most insane things and for what? What is the end game in all this? So that your kids can run out the door and brag to their friends about a new video game or pair of shoes?

Bullshit!

This is probably a prime example of why I’m single and childless, I don’t know, but I don’t play those games. Exchange some gifts, you betcha. Give your kids the things you never had. Absolutely. Surprise them with something they never would have thought of getting, hell yea. I am however against any such present or gifts that have no intrinsic value other then, his/her friend got one of these or those and going into serious debt for the gifts that will more then likely be lost or broken in the next day, week, month, year. We wonder why the stores all go crazy for Christmas shit in October? Look I am not some shining example of the true Christmas spirit or Mother Teresa sanctity of giving, but at least I try and remember the reason for giving. To that end, its the reason why I only give kids wooden spoons, hammers and nails for Christmas. The true building blocks of life I say. Socks, ties, shoes, hell no! Here kid with this hammer and nails a maybe a saw, you go outside and build your life. The world is your oyster!

Give a kid a fish, and he can put it in the trunk of only one middle school teacher’s car over the summer. You teach a kid to fish with dynamite and a gill net, and that kid can fill the whole goddamn school gymnasium with dead mullet. Jesus teaches us that. Serious. Its like in Thessalonians. Second chapter I believe. Check it yourself.

In any event, this year I propose to get into the season a little here at the homestead. I also implore you to not stress over the Christmas holidays and enjoy and love your family for better or worse. This is the time of year to love your neighbor, peace on earth, and say a great big fuck you to Walmart and give your kids the life long gifts of building supplies and cooking tools. They will thank you in later years. I promise.

Let ‘er rip, tater chip!

For my friend Talisa. Not ashamed of loving her God, or the fact that her friend yours truly is trying to get her to take him to her church to find out about the freaky love offerings because I hear that some hot chicks go to these things.

Steak Melt sandwiches are just like your typical patty melts the only exceptions being instead of using some kind of ground beef patty, you use shaved steak slices, regular white bread and a tablespoon of ghetto.

Here’s your cast of characters. (Please don’t mind the 70’s counter tops, it really brings out the color of my eyes!)

Cheap sliced Swiss cheese and if you cant get it free on a government food line then Walmart is your next best bet. Except at Walmart be sure to show a little butt crack when checking out.
Sliced steak like product. Could you use actual sliced rib-eye? Sure you could but what the hell are you some kind of aristocrat? You’re already at Walmart getting that cheap assed Swiss cheese with your plumbers crack, and needing a shave. Go over to those big open freezers everyone sneezes into after scratching their ass and pick up a box or two of the classic Steak-ums.
Bread. Decide how many sandwiches you want then multiply by a factor of 2. Three sandwiches? No problem. Your bread slice formula will look like this 3 X 2 = 6 slices of bread. See you just got some math learnin’ in for the day. We’ll clean that Walmart trip off you yet smartypants. Spread a little margarine or butter on each of those bread slices champ.
Two sliced yellow onions. Walmart these babies too. They’re over in the produce section in the big bins. Look for the ones grown in some south American country and cultivated by twelve year old slave labor. Walmart knows cheap food. Take advantage. Fan away the fruit flies and gnats at the onion bin and pick out two that look salmonella free.

Sauté up those sliced onions in a pan. A little olive oil salt medium heat 5-7 minutes and proper caramelization you’re good to go. Pour off into container.

Now in the same pan you just cooked the onions in, fry up the Steak-Um mechanically separated beef product slices. Now don’t worry. Steak-Um is 100% beef. It says so right on the package. Beef eyes, ass, lips, pecker its all beef 100%. Its good for you. Carnivores unite! The fond left over from the sautéed onions adds a rather nice piquant flavor to the Steak-Um.

Onions= Check!
Steak-Um= Check!
Buttered slices of bread= Check!
Swiss cheese slices= Check!

Now you have your miss en place ready to go.

If you’re like me and have a handy dandy panini grill set the temp to high and get ready to assemble your Steak Melts. Otherwise use the same pan you sautéed the onions and fried the Steak-Um in to make your sandwiches.

Assemble the sandwiches in the pan or on the grill. Don’t try and put them together on the counter or a plate or your hand. The bread is buttered numb nuts! Last thing we need is a bunch of lubricated slippery hands making a mess in the kitchen. This isn’t that kind of a movie.

So, place a slice of buttered bread on the pan or grill buttered side down. Put your Steak-Um beef product on the slice of bread, spoon on some of the sautéed onions, then cover with a slice or two of the Swiss cheese followed up by placing the other piece of buttered bread on top of the Swiss cheese. Only this time the buttered side of the bread is facing up. You get all that?

If you’re cooking in a panini press, just close it up and let it go. 5-7 minutes worked for me. Keep peeking till its done to your satisfaction. If you’re cooking in pan on the stove, 3-4 minutes, flip the sandwich over and let it go again for 3-4 minutes. Again just keep your eye on it and take it off when its done the way you like it.