We lived through another day

Its a good excuse to celebrate
Take a number knock on wood
We’ll find a reason to feel good

Another weekend draws to a close, and another work week begins. Let the collective sighs and moans commence.

Lots of things in the news this weekend. Seems some douche bag made a rather less then flattering movie about Islam. Then some more douche bags rioted and stormed our embassies around the world. Some of our citizens were killed. Some douche bag in the White House apologized for the movie to the douche bags rioting, and then that douche bag went and partied in Las Vegas with a couple more douche bags. Remember all these douche bags when you vote in November.

Saturday evening I wasn’t in the mood to cook. I ordered a pizza from Domino’s. I regret it. I knew I would regret it before I ordered it. I still ordered it. I have gotten involved with women in much the same way. Why do I put myself through this misery? Lets take a deeper look shall we?

Saturday as stated I wasn’t in the mood to cook. I was hungry, I wanted to eat so I had to do something. I knew I was going to eat shitty pizza and I accepted that fate. My criteria for shitty pizza was the following.

  • Had to be able to order my pizza online. I didnt want to dial a phone number and talk to some pimple headed douche bag to submit my order.
  • I had to be able to pay with my banks debt/Visa I had about $7 cash on hand. Ok for drivers tip not enough for shitty pizza.
  • Delivery. I don’t want to cook, I’m sure as hell not driving for shitty pizza
  • I wasn’t going to pay silly money for shitty pizza.

I knew my choices essentially came to three options.  Pizza Hut (or in my vernacular Pizza Slut), Papa John’s, or Domino’s.

Out came the trusty iPad. Pizza Slut (Hut) has its own mobile app. Someone should wake up the Pizza Slut/Hut IT department at up at corporate. It blows up on launch and I noticed it hasn’t been updated in at least a version or two of IOS. Good going Pizza Slut/Hut. You’re just like every other corporate entity in this nation. Sleep at the switch and what customer service?

Papa John’s online site for ordering was working. Poked around a little. Papa John’s idea of a deal was $13 for a single shitty pizza before a delivery charge and tax. Kiss my ass crooked John your no Papa of mine. I am not paying $15+ for a single shitty pizza no matter how many peppers and little tubs of liquid garlic butter jiz you may throw my way.

Domino’s here I come. Domino’s was at one time many years ago an acceptable shitty pizza option. Hit the website. Pretty easy to navigate, well laid out. Two medium two topping pizza special for $5.99 each. Ok thats better but I am alone, dont need two whole medium pizzas. Dominos has been advertising these new cheese bread sticks. I can substitute this for one of the shitty pizzas. No problem. Out the door with tax and delivery I’m at $15 and change for two items. I’ll sling the poor schlub delivery driver a $5 and I got food for a day and a half.

Dominos sucks! Their pizza sucks, the abortion of the new and improved cheese bread sucks. Everything sucked. I wasn’t shocked. I knew it was going to happen from the beginning. I torture myself like this all the time. My instincts told me it was going to suck and as usual I ignored my instincts, said to myself, “how bad can it be, its better then making something at this hour” and sure enough I wasn’t let down. It sucked.

As I thought about this issue I have with shitty pizza, I realized I could use choosing to eat shitty pizza as a metaphor for choosing shitty relationships. Fortunately I have had a lot more shitty pizza then shitty relationships. It doesn’t change the fact that every shitty relationship I have been involved in, I always in every single case knew from the very beginning the relationship was going to suck. Sure enough each time I ignored my gut instincts and WHAMO, it sucked.

Look at this psychology. I even tried to apply the old cliche that “there is no shitty pizza and that all pizza even shitty is still good”. Yeah…ahhhhh…..nope. That’s categorically not true with relationships. If they suck, then they suck.

I know exactly what makes a great pizza. I know exactly what I think will be a great pizza. I have had great pizza. I can say all the same in regards to relationships. I know what makes a great relationship, I know how to make a great relationship, I have had great relationships.

Great relationships are like great pizza. A great pizza is awesome when its fresh right out of the oven made with great ingredients. Its also awesome if you can wake up the next morning and without having to do anything to it, just pick up a cold piece and its still great for breakfast. The problem I find is a seemingly great pizza fresh out of the oven, usually rates low and drifts back into the “suck” zone when cold the next morning. I have had relationships exactly the same way. Great that night fresh out of the proverbial oven, wake up the next  morning, look over and go, “oh Jesus Christ another shitty pizza”.

We can send men to the moon, Dina Lohan can blow Dr. Phil in a drunken stupor on tv, but why cant I have a great pizza? Why do I keep lying to myself, going against my good judgement and going back to try what I know is going to be shitty pizza? I know what I want in a pizza and I know exactly what I want in a relationship. I can make great pizza all day long. Unless I start collecting Tesla coils and sending out Marty Feldman to start digging up corpses and bringing back AB Normal’s brains I can’t make a completely great relationship. I got all the great ingredients I just need to find a woman with an awesome oven I guess.

That was my weekend. Shitty pizza and all.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *