A Holiday Tradition

We’re going to try something out. Each holiday I’ll add a new part, chapter, section, to the story I am about to weave. I have been kicking this idea around in my head for a bit and we’ll just see how it all comes out. I’ll get it out of the way now this probably will not be work safe or child appropriate. It will be a tale that you’d expect only I could come up with in my sick and twisted head.

Let’s get to it. Shall we?

Part One:

She rolled out of the bed slowly as not to awaken the man next to her. Her head was still cloudy as she slowly made her way to the bathroom in the general direction in which her level of inebriation would recollect. She closed the door as not to allow the latch to slam shut and awaken the man left spent in the bed, simultaneously she clicked on the light. She caught her reflection if only briefly in the mirror. Her disgust in her decisions of the evening prior and the acts of debauchery in the room outside prevented her from making eye contact with herself. She had been here before. The men, the sex, the sneaking away in the night with a handful of stolen cash and pills from the medicine cabinet. She was no stranger to these times. “Get your shit together Angie, and get moving” her pounding head replayed like a defective iPod.

Angie was still too drunk and high to care or notice that the toilet seat was up. “Typical pig” Angie thought to herself as she lowered her ass down on the cold porcelain of the bowl. For a second she smiled and thought it felt good on the fresh welts across her bare ass. As she slowly flexed her Kegel muscles and strained to urinate she could feel the spent seed from the barely conscious man in the room next door leave her body. Outside of meeting at the bar the night before she didn’t know the man. This wasn’t her first rodeo with having unprotected sex with a strange man. She preferred it that way. The additional risk of contracting some strange disease from a nameless soul heightened her sexual gratification. Bareback Angie is what all the boys in the fraternity called her. She smiled at the distant memory as she continued to relieve herself in the sleeping mans master bath. Just as she was about to finish her stomach churned and she gulped. She wasn’t finished and continued to evacuate not only her bladder but also her bowels. “We’ll theres that steak from Thursday” Angie guessed to herself while holding back a slight gag from the odoriferous smell. It took a half a roll of toilet paper to sufficiently clean herself. Angie knew there was no way in hell what she deposited in the toilet with all the associated accoutrements were ever going to naturally see the inside plumbing of the structure she was soon to escape. “What the hell I’ll let sleeping Captain Asshole figure it out in the morning”. Bareback Angie also never flushes its her calling card.

Rifling through the mans medicine cabinet and pants on the bathroom floor Angie scored some hydrocodone, half a bottle of penicillin $130 in cash and what she guessed was some low grade Turkish hash. “Not a bad haul for an early Saturday morning” she hazily thought to herself. Angie turned off the light and slowly pushed open the bathroom door. She needed to find her clothes and she needed to get the hell out of that house.

Angie was soon on the floor on all fours. This wasn’t the first time she had been in this exact position. This time however there was no man behind her driving her face into the carpet. The man continued to snore from the bed as Angie felt around for her pants. She was safe for the time being but she could feel her anxiety building in her throbbing head to be anywhere but where she was.

Then it happened. How Angie kept from screaming even puzzled her. She knew what it was the moment it happened. “Its the assholes dog”. The man was an animal lover of sorts. Had an affinity for large American Bulldogs. “But he locked the dog in the kitchen what the fuck was he doing in the bedroom? What the fuck is this dog doing licking the crack of my ass?” Angie thought in a wave of terror as the cold nose of the dog gave a few whiffs of Angie’s stale balloon knot.

Angie was in trouble and she knew it. She tried to push the dog and “shoo” him away. Not happening. “Dozer” she recalled the man calling him last night was about eight pounds more then Angie weighed and built like a brick shithouse. Any attempt to stop the dog and Dozer in an octave lower then a pipe organ in the key of G would slowly growl and bare his teeth. The sleeping man would stir, snort and roll over to the other side of the bed each time the dog made a peep.

Angie was an admitted slut. Girls, boys, three ways you name it Angie had done it. There was even that one time in high school during a sleep over when she jerked off her friend Monica’s Golden Retriever for some school girl laughs in a game of spin the bottle. Angie had a feeling she was going to have to update the ol’ resume now.

Angie wasn’t getting off that easy tonight and for the second time in the last many hours Angie was getting railed from behind face in the carpet. This time it was Dozer the Pitbull doing the driving. Angie bit her lip to keep from wailing out. Soon it would be over. The dog will grunt hop off and Angie would be free, lucky in the fact he had stolen a half bottle of penicillin just a few short minutes before. She’d need the pills.

After Dozer had is way with Angie much as his master had a mere few hours before, he ambled back toward the kitchen to lay down near the air conditioning register in the floor. Dozer liked the cool air on his balls and often slept in the kitchen.

Angie knew her time was quickly counting down to vacate the premisses before the sleeping man or the dog awoke for a stab at round two. She finally found her pants and blouse crumpled in the corner of the room. Her thong panties were gone. She didn’t care. Angie slipped her pants and blouse on, stuffed the drugs and cash in a pocket and headed for the door. One shoe near the couch, and another was picked up by the front foyer. She bolted.

Angie had about a two mile walk back to the bar to get her car. Two miles is a decent distance to walk and think about how far ones life has slipped the bounds of decency. Bareback Angie however doesn’t think about these things. She does what she likes. She lives for no one but herself. On this particular walk back, Angie tried to categorize the evenings sexual encounter into a level of pleasure. She couldn’t do it. Her pause came knowing sex with animals is morally and ethically wrong, but for the life of her she couldn’t decide what she got more pleasure from. The unknown man or the unknown man’s faithful dog.

Angie crushed a Hydrocodone pill and snorted it. She debated whether to shower as soon as she got home or to wait and savor things. She was now torn and sexually aroused thinking about the unknown man and his dog. She looked over her shoulder in the direction of the unknown mans house.

One day she would go back……….


Ok, so there you have it. Part One of Angie’s Adventures. (working title) I like to flesh the characters out a bit so I can’t just jump in to the murder and whatnot. Hope you like it. Whats the next holiday? Valentines Day? Oh the possibilities!

Merry Christmas kids!

Let ‘er rip tater chips!

Weekend, oh how I have missed you.

Its another beginning to another great weekend. It’s no greater then any other weekend other then the fact its the weekend and by definition all weekends are simply great. The only bad part is I’ll sit down, take a deep breath and relax for five minutes today, and then I’ll look at the clock and it will be 9:00pm Sunday night. Why does this happen? It seems whenever we slow down, and take it easy with the notion of not having to do anything or do things we enjoy doing, (not working) then time all of a sudden shifts into warp speed.

Of all the drugs and dope heads in the history of time making substances to alter our reality and lower our inhibitions, why hasn’t some genius or better yet why hasn’t some pharmaceutical company chemist made a simple drug that gives the user the impression of time slowing way down? I have never done LSD. Does this happen with that drug? Well that and the hallucinations of dogs talking to you telling you to kill prostitutes and John Lennon but I digress.

How great would it be to just pop a pill that slowed time way down? Not slow motion time where everyone is talking SSSSSSLLLLLLOOOOOOWWWW, but just like it gives the user the impression that hours have passed by but when they look at the watch its only been five minutes. I know its easy to make this drug. The properties are in the air around emergency rooms, the DMV and driver licenses offices, waiting for a pot of water to boil when you watch it, dating ultra hot mormon women who are miraculously still virgins at 25+ years of age. (don’t ask me how I know) Yes so I know the elements for this miracle drug exist naturally in nature. We just need to find a way to bottle and pill it up and someone is going to be rich and the rest of us are going to be eternally happy. The drug companies have got be close to a breakthrough. After all the pills already exist to give people four hour boners. Now just give me month long weekends.

I would only make sure that the drug companies fix the boner viagra and the weekend time viagra to cancel each other out if both are taken at the same time. Frankly if I get month long weekends and compound that with four and six hour medically induced boners, Bob Barker from the Price is Right is going to have to come out of retirement to make commercials to spay and neuter people like me. That wont end well. The next thing you know, I got those whale wars bastards coming after me in the Steve Irwin boat. Since I’m on the weekend time viagra, I’ll be running away for hours and hours and never seeming to get away with a sign on my boner that says “Government research only”.

I think this is a bucket list moment. I just made a blog post about boners, Bob Barker, and Whale Wars tied together in a few simple paragraphs about how I envision great weekends. Classy yet informative. I am a natural at this.

So that is whats on my mind this morning. Yes I know. No need to state the obvious. Sometimes I am just not right. Like I’d ever put a sign on my boner about government research. Pfttt. 😉

I’ll close this hoping everyone has a good weekend. To the readers whom have shown interest in the custom end grain cutting boards, I haven’t forgotten. Watch the blog the next couple of days for the dedicated information and ordering page I am setting up.

Love and peace to each other and if it cant be remember one thing. No one can keep a secret of getting rid of a body forever. You do that job alone.