Tag Archives: Retirement

Having Trouble With My Direction

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MyrtleManorUpside-down, psychotic reaction. -The Cult

Another Monday passed us and another week ahead.

I think I have found my dream calling. I may finally have seen the “tap dancing Jesus H. Christ” light. I know what I want to be when I grow up.

I want to be a trailer park landlord. In Myrtle Beach, South Carolina.

Not a fancy new trailer park with new modular homes. I am talking single wides on wheels. Maybe a couple half assed run down Air Stream silver bullets and other tear drop like gypsy wagons. As Brad Pitt in the movie Snatch called ’em “Caravans” periwinkle blue ones even. A couple pink flamingos, and other Kitschy ornaments and I am all set.

See I always said, I was going to retire into a nice motor home and spend my last years traveling the country and tramp around. I am talking a nice diesel pusher with pop outs and full amenities. I would sell everything I had, cash out and hit the road. What better way to retire? I am not paying taxes, moving around the country in my RV and Harley. North in the summer, south in the winter. Im not stuck banging a bunch old lonely women in nursing homes with Viagra and STDs. I’m out in the world free. RV campsite to campsite. Meeting fellow travelers living on the road. Yellowstone, Devils Tower, Alaska, Grand Canyon, Yosemite Park.

Then I started watching Welcome to Myrtle Manor on the TLC channel. It’s about a trailer park in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. Its everything I dream about in an old tourist trap RV/Trailer park in a vacation spot. Low rent, baby momma drama, pink flamingos, Kitsch, Art Deco and Bungalow styles all mixed in to one.

Its so tacky but at the same time fun in a highly manipulative way. I could thrive and take over in there like Lex Luther at a sheriff’s youth ranch for first time offenders. I could be the KING OF RANCHO CUCAMONGA! I am the only one paying CASH!

Look at this list of characters:

  • A couple of sluts selling hotdogs on the beach for rent money.
  • A slut and a night club promoter who are fighting jealousy issues.
  • A token trailer park security guard with an IQ of about 68
  • A drunk mother of the night club promoter son above
  • A drifter maintenance kid who cant change a light bulb
  • A gay man and rather ugly woman running a beauty salon / hair dressers trailer for the tenants.
  • A Park Manager who’s father put her in charge of the trailer park trying to get the back rent from deadbeats.

I can’t stop watching! Its worse then a bad car accident with blood and guts all over the road. I have to look and see. Whats really bad? I have fantasies of running and living in a place just like this. How I would be making money hand over fist, a dozen sexual harassment lawsuits, more kids with different mothers to make that kooky Duggar family with 50 kids and a clown car vagina look like the Walton’s.

I cant get enough of it. There are above ground pools, putt putt golf, tattoos, dyed hair and fake boobs in bikinis. Its like some TV producer looked inside my head and opened up the twisted scumbag file and made a tv show about it.

I am transfixed. I am baffled. I am like a small retarded kid looking at all the blinking Christmas lights before shitting myself. You know that moment in your life when something clicks in your mind and everything makes sense. Happiness rolls through your body, and your mind is telling you what words to put together and scream at the top of your lungs and all that comes out is rather out of character killing a cat sounding screams and spitting and even though you hear it and your mind goes “what the fuck was that noise you just made” but you don’t care and continue on. Yea thats me. Well sort of. Ok not really. Well a little bit. Sorry. Not sorry.

I love this shit.

Let ‘er rip, tater chips!

Happy Almost New Year

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JellyBeansEveryone feeling fat and happy? I hope the holidays and Santa were kind to you, the faithful reader. I have no reports of domestic violence or homicide so I can only assume everyone got along with their families and enjoyed each others company. It was quiet and low key here which is the way we like it. When Christmas falls in the middle of the week, unless you take the entire week off as most people do, you really cant or at least I can’t seem to get too into the old Christmas spirit.

I got jelly beans for Christmas.

As another year comes to an end I have been reflecting and thinking about the new year to come. Everyones making new year resolutions, wanting to change this thing or that situation. I really don’t have anything special I want to do differently. I try and live life to the best of my ability. Sometimes my best may not be much, and circumstances in my control and not  in my control may dictate otherwise, but I really try and make the best of what comes my way. What’s the point otherwise? Is there things I want to change? Sure there are. I wish I was better looking with a smaller penis, but guess what? I can’t change those things with which I was born. So I might as well make due with the circumstances as best I can. Right?

What about eating more healthy? Ok sure. If by healthy one means the food I enjoy eating isnt made in some Chinese factory with lead paint and child slave labor pee’ing plutonium into the food, sure. I’ll eat more healthy by not buying that crap. I’ll just make it myself without the lead paint and plutonium pee. Easy enough.

I guess what I am trying to say in a less then articulate way, is if I have a resolution it is simple. Keep on living life without regret. Life’s not going to be perfect and frankly sometimes it may outright suck. I’ll make more mistakes, I’ll live, learn and keep moving forward, but I’ll do it in a way that makes me happy. Oh and if being assholish makes you happy, don’t intentionally hurt anyone else. Its a pretty simple theory.

I had a good conversation with a friend over lunch the other day. Some people grow up, bust their ass every day all day and then go home at night to do it all over again the next day. The predominant thought is once you get to retirement or old age etc, you’ve worked your whole life to enjoy the end of it. You know what I say to that? WTF? Why? By the time I can retire, I’ll be half dead, blind, shitting my pants trying to screw cute nursing home staff in broom closets. Thats not something to aspire to with hard work and a miserable life in the salt mines. I am going to do all that anyway. If I make it that long and get there of course. I say, within reason and good sense, live life now! Enjoy it while you can. You can cross the street tomorrow and get wiped out by an idiot driving a bus, lightning strike, cancer or any number of things. Then what? Its too late. When its time to go and leave this earthly existence, we aren’t taking anything with us. What you got in the end is what you’ve done up to that moment.

Resolve to enjoy your life everyday. Even when it sucks, you have to admit its pretty damn good. I have been fortunate in my life so far to travel this world, see other people and cultures, kill some of them, and come home in one piece to know its pretty nice here. I am going to enjoy it as much as I can every day, not just the last few.

No regrets. Do no harm unless its harm to ensure your own happiness and welfare. If the end is tomorrow or in another fifty years, I know I’ll be able to look my higher power, or god, or unicorn rainbow bunnies in the face and say, “I anted up, played the hand I was dealt and left it all on the table when it was time.” I think thats the best you can wish for in any life.

You accomplish all those things, and you get lucky enough to add the love of family, friends, and a good dog in the mix and you my friend are a king among kings.

Let ‘er rip, tater chip!